Humor: Summer, and Dad's smart again

Note from Scott: Here’s the winner of the Write Scott Hollifield’s Column While He is On Vacation or Performing His Court-Ordered Community Service Contest as chosen by a panel of semi-experts. View and comment on all the columns by going to www.mcdowellnews.com and clicking on the Write Scott’s

The end of summer is fast approaching. No, not the end of the actual season itself, but the “real” summer, when my kids are out of school. I can walk around guilt-free with my shirt off (pants are optional), and the neighbors go out of town so we can use their washing machine and watch their 67-inch plasma TV.

While I have always enjoyed the months of June, July and August, I have come to appreciate them so much more now that my kids are in school for the other nine months of the year. This is partially due to the fact these summer months allow me to spend extra time with them setting off illegal fireworks, teaching them how to carefully push the safety limits of an ATV, rounding up stray animals and instructing them in how to pick the neighbors’ locks. But what I really enjoy about summers now is that my kids are away from school and the teachers who allow them to think that their father is not very smart.

My Dad Knew Everything

Growing up, I knew that my dad was the smartest man in the world. He was not just my teacher and mentor, but also a businessman and husband (to four different wives during my formative years). When my dad told me something, I knew it was a fact. I knew that the Commies were bad, American cars were the best, and that you were never too young to learn how to properly use profanity.

My dad home schooled me and ingrained these truths and many others into my brain for more than 12 years. His school motto was, “Ignorance isn’t bliss. It’s a blast!”

When I miraculously reached the age of 18, he finally deemed me ready to graduate. During my final semester, I received straight A’s in Fishing, Small Engine Repair, Weed Eating, Snake Handling, Taxidermy and Home Brewing. With little drive to find a “real” job, I went on to a successful career as a substitute contributor for legitimate newspaper columnists who are naïve enough to think that their jobs will be waiting for them when they return from vacation.

A Home-School Dream

Since I enjoyed home-schooling so much as a student, I looked forward to one day teaching my youngsters the finer intricacies

of education in a makeshift

classroom in a basement with moisture problems. I wanted to have the opportunity to pass down generations of incorrect information to my own children and, as a result of my tutelage, have my kids to look up to me as much as I looked up to my Dad.

As my children approached school age, my home-school teaching dreams were shattered when I found out that there are now standardized tests that all kids, whether home schooled or not, have to pass to be able to move on to the next grade. After doing a minimal amount of research (which involved calling the State Board of Education using a fake voice), I was able to confirm that I was not qualified to teach my own children. It was at this point that I realized that I did not know a lot about “academic” subjects such as mathematics, history, science or grammar. While my dad did a great job teaching me about real world situations such as how to circumvent police checkpoints and fudge your financial records so that you only have to pay alimony to 25 percent of your ex-wives, it might have been good of he had taught me something about geography, English or social studies.

Changing Gears after Shattered Dreams

While I was disappointed that my kids would not learn from me, it turns out that may be for the best in today’s world, as these professional teachers appear to know their stuff. My children are constantly teaching me new things and I now know that there are not just 50 state quarters, but 50 states, as well. Thankfully, today’s public education is teaching my children, who are in turn teaching me a lot of things - but not during the summer. During the summer, I still get to be as smart as my Dad.

Columnist Scott Hollifield will return clean and sober next week. You can contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or e-mail rhollifield@mcdowellnews.com.