County Commissioners’ Class—101

As expertly demonstrated by the commissioners during the recent public hearing concerning the recent property revaluation, I am starting a class on how anyone can become a county commissioner. While the steps listed below may seem easy, they are, in fact, so detailed and complicated that the average Rockingham County citizen cannot even begin to understand them, thus necessitating the need for this class. Therefore, only the elite should register for the class; everyone else should just allow themselves and their property to be jacked around as we see fit.
—  Decide that only the county commissioners know what is in the citizen’s best interest.
—  Decide that property tax rates need to be increased during one of the worst economic periods in memory.
—    Decide that projects, i.e., equestrian center and new courthouse, are more important than jobs and industry despite what the average citizen thinks and despite the lack of funds for those two projects.
When called to task on any of these issues and forced to hold a public hearing, the following steps will assure that the successful student of “county commissioner-ism” will maintain his/her elitism despite the topic at hand: 
—  If the student is in the position of chairman, then the successful student will dictate the terms under which those being overtaxed and objecting can speak. For example “You will be given three minutes in which to speak.” The danger with this tactic, as the astute student will learn, is when you have an auditorium full of more than 500 angry constituents, then the successful student may find himself looking into the eyes an animal who wants answers to many questions yet has been limited to three minutes. 
—    The successful student will learn how to rap a gavel in a self-promoting sense that relays a mocked authority while pretending to listen to the complaints of dozens of speakers.
—    The successful county commissioner student will also listen intently as the county manager tries to throw financial terminology at the audience in hopes of deceiving that same audience.
—    The successful student of being a county commissioner never answers direct questions when asked.
—    Finally, the successful student of becoming a county commissioner will never admit that the constituents remember these things. The successful county commissioner student will think, “They will soon forget, I will shake some hands, throw a small party or two, hand out some free Styrofoam hats and the voters will be back on my side.”
Mind you, this class is sure to fill quickly, so register today. Soon you too can be one of the arrogant and self-righteous commissioners of Rockingham County who thinks you can do no wrong!

Rick Shreve
Rockingham County