Humor: Maybe the bearings are shot.

Maybe the bearings are shot.

Hundreds of dignitaries, diplomats, researchers and others with big brains and bigger titles gathered in Geneva on Oct. 21 for a gala wing-ding to formally celebrate the world’s biggest scientific gizmo, an atom smasher called the Large Hadron Collider.

According to a story by Associated Press writer Alexander G. Higgins, the purpose of the machine it is “to smash protons from hydrogen atoms together at high energy and record what particles come off the collisions, giving scientists a better idea of the makeup of the smallest components of everything in the universe, including the Earth and the human beings on it.“

In other words, it’s a time machine that will allow us to travel into the future and head off the Robot Wars of 2232 that directly result in the Great Ape Uprising of 2235 and the enslavement of the human race by our cruel simian overlords.

Or that’s the way that I interpret it.

More than 20 nations contributed to the project, which was two decades in the making. A 100-member Welsh choir sang and an orchestra played at the kick off, according to the AP story. The group that oversaw its development called it “the largest and most complex scientific instrument ever built.“

The problem is, it doesn’t work.

Scientists with the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) actually cranked it up back on Sept. 10 for an initial round of atom smashing and it promptly broke without smashing, bumping or even caressing any atoms.

Presumably, it’s still under warranty, but I suggest they do what I do when any of my gizmos break: Take it down to Cousin Junior’s Small Engine and Large Atom Smasher Repair Shop, where Junior will more than likely poke around its innards with a Phillips screwdriver before pronouncing that “the bearings are shot.“

In the spirit of international scientific goodwill, I took a trip down the fictional two-lane blacktop of my imagination and pulled into the gravel-and-pop-top parking lot of Cousin Junior’s shop to see if I could convince him to lend the big brains in Geneva a hand with their out-of-commission atom smasher.

“Howdy, Cousin Junior.“

“You here to stare at my girlie calendar again?“

“No, I’m here in the spirit of international scientific goodwill.“

“If you’re selling a bunch of that school catalogue junk to send your young ‘un to space camp, I ain’t interested.“

“No, it’s about some fellows that have atom smasher on the fritz.“

“Is it Large Hadron Collider?“

“Yeah, it is.“

“If the check engine light is on, just tell ‘em to put a piece of duct tape over it and forget about it.“

“No, from what I understand it was a faulty soldered electrical connection and it shut the whole thing down. The atoms are still just sitting there, unsmashed, mocking the very scientists who spent two decades building something to beat the absolute dog snot out of ‘em.“

“You tell ‘em to put it on the biggest flat-bed truck they’ve got and bring down here and I’ll take a look-see.“

“It’s in Geneva.“

“You tell ‘em to put it on the biggest flat-bed boat they’ve got and bring down here and I’ll take a look-see.“

“Can you give me any kind of cost estimate on the job?“

“Well, I’m more than likely going to have to pull the proton synchrotron booster and replace the flux capacitor, so it depends on if they want a brand new flux capacitor or a rebuilt one. I’d say, with parts and labor, we’re looking in the neighborhood of $$48 million give or take a million or two. But that’s not considering the worst case scenario.“

“What’s the worst case scenario?“

“That the bearings are shot.“

Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C., 28752 or e-mail .