HUMOR: Crackpot rhetoric at your fingertips

With Nov. 4 approaching faster than a Wall Street downturn (then upturn, then downturn again, then…), there is precious little time remaining to pen a ridiculous, often hate-filled crackpot political letter to the editor packed with idiotic half truths and outright lies.

Lucky for you who have procrastinated, I’m here to help.

The following is the Ridiculous, Often Hate-Filled Crackpot Political Form Letter to the Editor Packed with Idiotic Half Truths and Outright Lies (patent pending). I’ve done all the back-breaking labor. All you have to do is circle one of the two choices provided, mail the letter to your newspaper if it is still in operation, and send me a $237 consulting fee. (I take cash, Visa, MasterCard, your old gold jewelry or perhaps we could barter for some dry goods or a good plow mule.)

Dear Editor,

As a concerned taxpaying American citizen, I believe that all concerned taxpaying American citizens will agree with me that the only candidate in this race who can set a course for change and bring prosperity back to this great nation is (Barack Obama/John McCain).

That’s because his opponent is (a secret Islamic extremist who once plotted with a radical ’60s domestic terrorist to blow up the Alamo/a crazy old man with an implanted KGB chip in his brain who once beat a hamster to death with a shovel), or so The New York Times tells me.

Let me relate a story I heard from a friend of a friend, who received it in an e-mail forwarded 8,450 times. Many years ago, in a third-grade class, the teacher asked each student to stand up and tell what he or she wanted to be when he or she grew up.

“I want to be a firefighter

so I can save lives,” said one youngster.

“I want to be a doctor so I can save lives,” said another.

“And you,” said the teacher, addressing the studious, bright-eyed young boy on the front row, “what do you want to be when you grow up?”

“I want to be the president of the United States,” the boy said, “so I can save all of you from (a secret Islamic extremist who will most likely plot with a radical domestic terrorist to blow up the Alamo/a crazy old man with an implanted KGB chip in his brain who enjoys beating hamsters to death with a shovel).”

And that little boy was none other than (John McCain/Barack Obama).

My suspicions were confirmed about his opponent just the other day while watching (MSNBC/Fox News) as (Barack Obama/John McCain) addressed a gathering

of (The International Association of Same-Sex Tree-Hugging

Domestic Terrorists/The United Federation of People Who Want To See The Iraq War Continue for One Million Years).

He said, and I quote, (“If there is a domestic terrorist here today, I will kiss him smack on the lips to show my unwavering support”/”Once elected, I will spend much of my first day in office watching ‘Matlock’ in my underwear, and then I will nuke Canada”).

We all know who got us into this mess. It was (George W. Bush/George W. Bush).

And we all know who can get us out — a qualified candidate for change and his running mate, (a Senate veteran with years of foreign relations experience/a governor with the willpower to buck her own party and bring about ethics reform), not an unqualified (arrogant whippersnapper/old coot) and his running mate, (a follicly impaired Washington insider who, according to some Web sites, is actually an alien from the planet Zorax/an inexperienced airhead who, according to some Web sites, is a product of one of the most successful sex-change operations in history, doncha know).

Sincerely,
A concerned taxpaying American citizen who now owes Scott $237.

Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or e-mail .