HUMOR: A nice, buttery rubdown

Ever had “aromatic fig and cassis body butter applied after a warm, tension-releasing back compress?”

Me neither. But it’s part of the Mediterranean spa treatment at St. Regis Monarch Beach Resort in California, where the hard-working executives at AIG, their wallets bulging with freshly minted tax dollars, had ample opportunity to get all body-buttered-up at their recent gathering.

You probably know the back story by now: The government bails out failing insurance giant AIG for $85 billion. Six days later the company spends $440,000 on a weeklong retreat at a posh resort. That includes $23,000 for spa services, or roughly what my wife and I paid for our first house.

I can understand the $440,000 total - have you checked mini bar prices lately? - but $23,000 for spa services got my investigative journalistic Spidey senses tingling.

“Chief,” I said to my imaginary editor, a crusty old newspaper veteran from the 1930s who reeks of scotch and cigar smoke and calls me “kid,” “I need the scoop on these AIG mugs. They spent 23,000 simoleans on spa services, and John Q. Public has a right to know exactly what that kind of dough gets a fella. I’ll need a train ticket to California, a dame with gams up to here and, oh, I’d say about $23,000.”

He never replied to my e-mail.

So, I did what any top-notch 21st century investigative journalist would do in the era of falling ad revenues and smothering budget constraints: I hopped on the Internet and took a virtual trip to the St. Regis Monarch Beach Resort in California (http://www.stregismb.com/index.cfm), a place “devoted to the pursuit of service and elegance with a seamless blend of comfort and technology.”

Motel 6 this is not. They may leave the light on for you, but it will cost an extra $800.

I downloaded the spa menu to see what I, had I passed myself off as an AIG big-wig, could have purchased with $23,000 in sweet, sweet bailout money.
First up, there’s the 90-minute, $260 Intuitive Massage, which begins with a consultation between client and therapist.

“The massage technique and desired outcome are developed by you and your therapist creating a symbiotic experience for both,” reads the spa menu.

I figure my consultation would have gone something like this:

“You wish to have the desired outcome, yes?”

“No, Lars, I’ve just got a crick in my back from hauling all that money back to the office from the Treasury Department.”

“But we must create a symbiotic experience for both.”

“Well…I reckon what happens in California stays in California.”

With the 90-minute, $280 Coastal Stone treatment, therapists place heated stones on particular energy points to calm the nervous system.

“What are you doing with that rock there, Günther?”

“I am going to heat zee rock and place zee rock on particular energy points.”

“The last time I checked, that was strictly prohibited by the Geneva Convention.”

According to the menu, the gentleman’s 30-minute manicure checks in at a relatively cheap $45.
“Monsieur, your nails, they are bitten down to almost nothing! What is wrong?”

“Günther was holding a hot rock over my energy points and I got kindly nervous. Y’all got a mini bar?”

For folks like me, who believe an outdoor pool and a functioning ice machine denote luxury accommodations, a week at the St. Regis Monarch Beach Resort for an Intuitive Massage, brunch at the European-style café and drinks by one of the three pools where cabanas rent for $300 a day would be an extravagance. But for some, it’s business as usual.

Maybe that’s why their business, unfortunately, is now our business. Pass me the body butter.

Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or e-mail .
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